Sunday, May 29, 2011

Life style choices, fairweather friends? whats next...

So i havnt been able to post lately, and this post is from the top of my head. just going to type it all out and hope you guys dont judge too harshly.  to be honest i havn't even wanted to post because of how crazy everything has been. ive done a good job avoiding drama but ended up going down an old road that i know all too well and got right back on the wagon. someone that i just met turned into a pyscho in only 5 days of hanging out. its crazy how fast people can flip on you. worst part is i was actualy trying to help said person out and spent way too much money on her. nothing romantic, i wasnt even attracted to her. i just wanted to help.  sucks being a people pleaser sometimes, tired of being taken advantage of. at least my assertivness allows me to see it happening and i can avoid being dragged into the full on conflict now after what ive learned the past few months.  so i got rid of that.. thank god.

aside from that crazy girl i wrecked my car on friday. i was driving home after dropping a friend off.  out of no where an 18 wheeler clipped my bumper and sent me spinning into a ditch, where i woke up i guess 30 minutes later.  my car is destroyed but drivable, hondas are beasts man im tellin you! lol  But just go figure, i start trying to make the right choices in life and this is where i end up. all i want is a nice car, nice house, nice job, and a nice girl to come home to. i just want to be happy. it seems like its just too much to ask for at this time.

for some reason god wants me alive or else i would be dead, i should be dead. my car took a bite out of a hill bounced off and im still breathing. how crazy is that? this isnt the first time something like this has happened.  and its not the craziest either, if i was to tell about what happened to me a couple years ago you wouldnt even believe me, im talking straight out of the movies type of shit. crazy.

so i really am blessed, and im trying to stay positive. but this has been a major set back for me. i just spent 2 grand repairing the car and now this happens. i thought things were making a turn for the better, i remember repeating something i heard about luck. the only thing true about luck is that it is always bound to change. well when the fuck is my chance for some good luck. when will something good happen to me without having to pay a price. why cant i just have a handout for once.  who am i kidding, im alive i shouldnt be thinking like that right? whatever...

not to mention threats at my life due to leading the wrong lifestyle and dealing with the wrong kinds of people. to quote a friend, if i cant handle the game its time to get out and leave it to the real gangsters. well im sick of it all and im ready to just hop a one way flight and get the hell out of dodge.  so when it comes to dealing with drama and all other sorts of craziness i think the most important thing for everyone is to focus on staying in touch with some sort of god or higher power and making damn sure the people places and things you are involving yourself with are not going to lead you into bad situations... hope that makes sense.

its really simple, everything that has happened to me has been because of my fucked up decisions and lifestyle choices.  if you know what im talking about and are going through the same thing you need to run away before you end up dead, almost dead like me, or hit some kind of rock bottom which is never pretty.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

torn between loneliness and drama!

So my first reaction to dealing with all the crazy drama one has to go through when trying to be social, and with all the wrong people, was to just run away! So for the past week I've been essentialy avoiding people and situations that seem to be drama prone for me.  It's worked, I'm finally relaxing a little bit, but now i'm feeling lonely again! it sucks, id almost sacrifice it all just to be able to kick it with some homies! lol

Now i'm not a popular person at all, I have alot of "friends" and alot of aquantinces... i've been shut in before, i've been alone for over a year! Im used to it and at the same time im sick of it!  So im feeling torn, after a long day at work im ready to blow off some steam. i really dont like drinking alone so im usualy on the phone tryin to find somethin to get into.  lately tho its been more beneficial to just go home and sleep instead of going out and dealing with more bullshit.  plus not having internet at the house makes being alone excruciating lol.

not sure what this post is really about, maybe im not the only one that feels like this. its kind of flustering when you stare at a call from someone and cant decide on weather or not to pick it up.  Ive blown off a couple dates with crazy girls thinking it would be a disaster and ive left friends houses early cause they wanted to anti-cake on the phone while trying to play some zombies... seriously guys, if you're older then 25 and still arguing with your girlfriend over silly things you need to do something. I dont understand guys these days, arguing, ignoring, cheating, and just being mean to their girlfriends. lol slow down mark, save it for another post.

this song reflects my mood perfectly

Friday, May 20, 2011

NO DRAMA! thank god

Never really had prayers answered before but the last couple of days have been very peacful, relaxing, and stress free... wait a sec.. who am i kidding? yesterday at work i had 4 people come in and cuss me out. Had me to the point where i would have walked out if it was any other job.  Past behaviour? i dont know but this one guy was lucky he didnt get pulled over my counter. Im just doing my job, i understand being pissed off but why take it out on the guy whos just pushing buttons? lol

But that's just semantics, other then work bullshit ive been really enjoying the drama free lifestyle. Im avoiding the people that seem to be the most dramatic, things are working out well.  Instead of just ignoring peoples drama which is aparently impossible for me, im just going to avoid them all together! runaway!

Rainy day today, probably going to be slow at work. If something interesting doesnt happen soon i'm gonna start switching up what i blog about or maybe write a new one.  anyways, tonights toast is to no more drama!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

New day same drama

Things got pretty interesting last night. Trying to avoid all this drama is getting exhausting. I dont want to be alone but at the same time all the people I've been around are just so damn dramatic i cant do it! So it went from finally talking to the person that started all this shit, to talking to someone who i haven't spoken to in over 10 years and that's just... must stay away. Talking with the drama queen didn't help at all, i mean i felt slightly relieved but wanted to run away even more after getting off the phone. i really screwed up this time, but can you blame me? ha... you don't even know.

So drama queen is the one telling lies now, she acts like nothing happened.. haha i wish nothing happened then i wouldn't be in this predicament.  So i had this "friend" and he decided he was going to be a cheating asshole.  I tried staying out of it, but the more we hung out, the more he expected me to cover and lie for him, the more i was involved.  So i got sick of it, he's basically been using me.. and i dont know why, i dont have anything anyone wants!  So things just got out of control and being the weak and vunerable person i am right now i made a bad decision and now he thinks the worst. So it might be for the best but at the same time i feel really horrible!  Just have to stay away from both of them..

So i've been reconnecting... lol. Talked to a few people i havn't seen or spoken to in 10+ years. Its pretty crazy. Ive never had a facebook myspace or any of that. But i signed up for facebook last week.. Already had alot of requests, its crazy how fast people found me. And well this one girl... who's married. We were together when we were teenagers! hit me with a curve ball last night when she let me know how she really feels.  I cant do that! shes married! so that sent me spinning and now i've got to back off from that before something BAD happens... bad bad things. So yeah.. one week on facebook, its already deactivated.

This blog is going to be more focused on what im doing to avoid all the damn drama out there and eventually there wont be any more drama posts(i hope!),  things will improve as i begin to learn to stay away from it.  What do you do when you see drama? just run away? or act like it isnt happening? ignore it?  Can you honestly say you could sit by while a friend is cheating on his girl right in front of you? What about watching him put his hands on her...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

New day, old town, new blog

I was going to start a blog based on how I'm doing trying to get my shit together but I never would post on it so i deleted everything. Now Im back in little rock, was staying in eldorado by myself for a while, and finally working again. Spending alot of time trying to find new friends and reconnecting with old friends as well.  I thought it was going well.. until I decided to get involved with everyone's drama!

I dont know what's wrong with me sometimes but it feels like things were going smooth and now I've been set back a few months.  Hopefully things will turn around. Not sure what this blog will be about probably more like a journal with random thoughts... Not sure what to make of it.

Things have indeed changed alot since i was living in eldorado, and things have changed drastically since i moved from little rock.  Im a new uncle of a awesome little boy. hes only two months old and already growing fast and wanting to crawl. So excited about watching him grow up!  My sister has really changed alot as well because of it and im so proud of her. It was really cool that he was born on my birthday it still hasnt sunk in all the way.

I had made new friends and already destroyed that friendship... I tried avoiding new resentments and just keep adding on more.  I really should do something about it!  I know im not normally so crazy and impulsive but when a little drama and stress comes my way my judgment gets so clouded! Ive only been back a month and already i want to run away again! This time im going to stick it out tho and do something about it.  Can't keep shutting in everytime im under a little pressure and get sick to my stomach over the stupid shit i do.  Time to correct the problem instead of running from it.

So yeah i guess every day or mostly every day ill just post some random thoughts on here and see where it takes me.